always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
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When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this