People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
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My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
That’s what I call a flat tire
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.