When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
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Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.