A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
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*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Not all heroes wear capes.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs