Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
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I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
can you read it!!??
maan!
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way