Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
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9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡