Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
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I never needed anything more in my life
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
my sentiments exactly
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
guys i’ve cracked the code
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff