Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
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you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.