Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
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If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Favourite diary entry ever
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Got ya covered