Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
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Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in