Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
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A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
That’s fair
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Uh oh…
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth