Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
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What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
A friend sent me this.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.