Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
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Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career