Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
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I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
the greatest twitter interaction
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
the prophecies have been fulfilled
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.