The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
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Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.