“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
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Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
A roof is a house hat.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.