You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
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<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?