occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
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What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last