Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
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I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox