If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
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[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Fat chances are my favorite chances
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”