worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
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Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.