Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
You Might Also Like
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
this will hang in the louvre one day
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.