“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
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[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.