In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
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PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
#Caturday
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.