Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
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Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Ape together strong
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
step 6: release the wall snake
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.