If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
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Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.