The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
You Might Also Like
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes