Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
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If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
the three branches of government
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Cinematography is my passion
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
yeah 😭
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Good morning, Twitter x
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it