Nobody ever collects famous first words.
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I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.