People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
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Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
my sentiments exactly
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
uh oh
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it