I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
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They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.