Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
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He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
How wrong was this guy?
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.