what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
You Might Also Like
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Bobby pin
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.