Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
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Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Happy Star Wars day!
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.