My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
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We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.