Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
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Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Check your privilege
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
What the dentist sees
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh