My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
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Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.