Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
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An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
#damn
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.