I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
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My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Just got to our Airbnb!
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.