NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
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When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
*frowns in Scottish*
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING