Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
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I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!