My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
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My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters