I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
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Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
me: my friends:
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
#Caturday
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄