i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
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How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
What do you hear?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?