Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
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When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Can’t, holding a grudge