Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
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I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁