Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
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I’m not proud
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?