there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
no one likes gloating
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.