I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
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I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is