Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
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got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
The French word for sex is croissant.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.